UNC Student Paper Plays Karen Owen Card and Various Others, Delivers

by npiller88

Karen Owen would fit in nicely with this bunchThe annual trash talk letters between the student newspapers of Duke and the University of North Carolina have been exchanged in the lead up to the year’s first basketball game between the two. Duke is no doubt the better team this year, so the real question now becomes: What editorial board is the better s**t talker?

(a bit of background: before the first rivalry game of the year between the two schools, each newspaper releases a letter to the other paper consisting of the douchiest low blows you can imagine. You would usually just associate this sort of behavior with Duke, but UNC holds its own here, somehow, despite its status as a public school).

Granted, UNC had more ammunition this year, given the comically twisted assortment of Duke embarrassments that occurred in the past year (Duke has got to have the highest concentration of genius alcoholic degenerates in the South under age 20). But Duke has the better team (did I mention this?).

Anyways, the letters played out predictably, with each side using its best trump cards.

The Duke Chronicle:

Grade: C+

The reason for this low grade is for the focus on boring old basketball, such as this lame snippet:

We’re defending national champions, we beat you by 32 points at home last year–In the words of Austin Rivers, the latest incoming top recruit to suit up in Duke blue, we don’t even consider this a rivalry anymore.

Ok, we get it: Duke is better at basketball. Let’s see, what else can we take a shot at… Oh yeah, the fact that Duke is ranked higher in the US News and World Report (oh, and it’s a private school).

Best from two North Carolina natives, who knew from a young age that we could attend UNC–and then graduated eighth grade.

Nice. Way to finish it off with a dash of elitism. Duke style!

Now, you might be asking, how on earth did this rag receive even a C+ grade?? I give the most apt description of UNC coach Roy Williams that I have heard in quite some time:

You must be missing [former coach Dean Smith] considering some of the pearls of wisdom your Droopy Dog-Doppleganger, hick of a coach has given us lately. Sure, we know going to the NIT is worse than dying in a massive earthquake or contracting cholera, but come on! Don’t say it out loud.

After coming up with this pearl of wisdom of their own, the editors (Lindsey Rupp and Andy Moore) promptly patted themselves on the back, which helped assuage the nagging sense of inferiority that comes with going to Duke and knowing you must party in Chapel Hill to have fun, but are probably too ugly/nerdy to be taken seriously outside of Durham (I have spent some time there, and believe me, Durham sucks).

The Daily Tar Heel:

Grade: A-

This letter really tickled me. Maybe it was the sexual humor, the racial humor or both. But mostly, it was the way it loaded up a full clip and just fired away from the very first line:

We considered making this letter a PowerPoint, but we thought one disappointment-filled presentation about the Blue Devils was enough for one year. That fuck list had to be embarrassing. Not because of how many guys she fucked at Dook, but how many Dook guys fucked a girl ugly enough to make the bench for your cheerleading squad.

Delicious. But it gets better:

You secrete malicious elitism like little K oozes drool. (Has Dook’s team even desegregated yet? Nolan Smith sure as shit doesn’t count).

Poor Nolan Smith. He was actually the leading scorer in the nail-biter of a Duke victory in the actual game, with 34 points. And its not his fault that he’s just as whitewashed as any other black Duke player. But bravo to Editor Sarah Frier for pulling out the necessary cards and playing them correctly. Why not a full A grade? Simple: too much to work with: Duke not only had the famous Karen Owen debacle, but also the numerous tailgate-gates, which involved the kid brother of a dukie being left passed out drunk in a port-a-potty. It didn’t help Duke that the Chronicle oozed out all the necessary elitism on their own, not even requiring the zingers that the Daily Tar Heel provided.

In LA, we have a very similar rivalry. USC is like Duke (bad part of town, but rich private school), and UCLA is like UNC (nice area, highly regarded public institution). The difference is, there’s a lot less vitriol. Why? Probably because students in Los Angeles really don’t have the time to become obsessed with a college sports rivalry, what with all the sun. But they sure as hell do in Tobacco Road, where the absence of culture causes decent looking baseball players to resort to f****ing Karen Owen (and by the way, did you notice there weren’t any black guys on that list of hers?)

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2 Comments to “UNC Student Paper Plays Karen Owen Card and Various Others, Delivers”

  1. I’d also throw in that the academic dichotomy of duke-UNC is reversed in a comparison of USC-UCLA

    “Best from two North Carolina natives, who knew from a young age that we could attend UNC–and then graduated eighth grade.”

    That line was awful. Did the editor say oooh, burn after that line and give out a high five? Intelligence and humor aren’t mutually exclusive

  2. Considering the caliber of social skills I saw on display in Durham, I’m guessing many high fives occurred during the writing of that letter

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